You need to realize that when you sow the love of God, you will reap the love of God. You need to develop faith in this spiritual law—even though you may not harvest it from the field in which you sowed, or as quickly as you would like.

 
No longer did I see it as a failure when love wasn’t returned from the person I was giving it to. It freed me to love that person even more!

 
If I have expectations about certain persons, those people can let me down. They will disappoint me to the degree that they fall short of my expectations. But if I have no expectations about someone, anything given is a blessing and not something owed. We set ourselves up for offense when we require certain behaviors from those with whom we have relationships. The more we expect, the greater the potential offense.

 
We construct walls when we are hurt to safeguard our hearts and prevent any future wounds. We become selective, denying entry to all we fear will hurt us. We filter out anyone we think owes us something. We withhold access until these people have paid their debts in full. We open our lives only to those we believe are on our side.

 
Without our knowing when it happens, these walls of protection become a prison.

The focus of offended Christians is inward and introspective. We guard our rights and personal relationships carefully. Our energy is consumed with making sure no future injuries will occur. If we don’t risk being hurt, we cannot give unconditional love. Unconditional love gives others the right to hurt us.

Love does not seek its own, but hurt people become more and more self-seeking and self-contained. In this climate the love of God waxes cold.

 Life cannot be sustained if held on to: It must be given freely.

So an offended Christian is one who takes in life but, because of fear, cannot release life. As a result, even the life that does come in becomes stagnant within the wall or prison of offense.

 
John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, 20th Anniversary Edition (Lake Mary, FL: Charisma House, 2014), 16.

When we filter everything through past hurts, rejections, and experiences, we find it impossible to believe God. We cannot believe He means what He says. We doubt His goodness and faithfulness since we judge Him by the standards set by man in our lives. But God is not a man! He cannot lie (Num. 23:19). His ways are not like ours, and His thoughts are not ours (Isa. 55:8–9).

 
John Bevere, The Bait of Satan, 20th Anniversary Edition (Lake Mary, FL: Charisma House, 2014), 17.

God has created us to be at rest—not to be inactive or unproductive, but to be at peace, to live in the fullness of his blessing, our hearts filled to overflowing with his love.

the true test of a Christian is his or her reaction to life.

 
Daniel Bush and Noel S. Due, Embracing God as Father: Christian Identity in the Family of God (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2014).

Just as God forgives people without approving of their sin, we also must learn that forgiving people does not imply an endorsement of their evil deeds. We can forgive what we don’t approve of because that is the way God has dealt with each of us.

 
While we are required to forgive, we should never attempt to make what is wrong look like it is right.

Paul essentially is saying that “love does not store a wrong,” that is, the wrong that was committed against us doesn’t go into our “mental computer” to be reckoned with later. But the fact that there is something wrong, especially if it is staring you in the face, is not to be denied. In fact, the Greek word translated “wrong” in this verse is kakon, which means “evil.” Because it is evil, it must be acknowledged. We cannot be blind to it. We should not pretend it didn’t happen. That is not what total forgiveness means.

 Love doesn’t erase our memories. It is actually a demonstration of greater grace when we are fully aware of what occurred—and we still choose to forgive. God doesn’t literally forget our sins. He chooses to overlook them. He knows full well what we have done—every sordid detail. But He chooses not to remember so as to not hold our sins against us. (See Hebrews 8:12.) That is precisely what we are to do; although we may not be able to forget, we can still choose not to remember.

 

 God doesn’t pass our sins off as inconsequential, yet He forgives. Totally.

 

Total forgiveness is painful. It hurts when we kiss revenge good-bye. It hurts to think that the person is getting away with what they did and nobody else will ever find out. But when we know fully what they did and accept in our hearts that they will be blessed without any consequences for their wrong, we cross over into a supernatural realm.

 

Why do we keep track of the times we are offended? To use them.

 

Love is a choice. Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling—at least at first—but is rather an act of the will. It is the choice to tear up the record of wrongs we have been keeping. We clearly see and acknowledge the evil that was done to us, but we erase it—or destroy the record—before it becomes lodged in our hearts. This way resentment does not have a chance to grow. When we develop a lifestyle of total forgiveness, we learn to erase the wrong rather than file it away in our mental computer. When we do this all the time—as a lifestyle—we not only avoid bitterness, but we also eventually experience total forgiveness as a feeling—and it is a good feeling.

 

If punishment is our motive, we are about to grieve the Holy Spirit, however much right may be on our side.

 

Anyone who truly forgives, however, does not gossip about his or her offender. Talking about how you have been wounded with the purpose of hurting your enemy’s reputation or credibility is just a form of punishing them. Most of us do not talk about what happened for therapeutic reasons, but rather to keep our enemy from being admired. We divulge what that person did so others will think less of them. That is an attempt to punish—which is usurping God’s arena of action.

 

If you share your pain and offenses with someone else, examine your motives and be sure you aren’t doing it to punish anyone by making them look bad. As Iago said in William Shakespeare’s Othello:

Who steals my purse steals trash; ’tis something, nothing;

’Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands;

But he that filches from me my good name

Robs me of that which not enriches him,

And makes me poor indeed.

 
But graciousness is withholding certain facts you know to be true, so as to leave your enemy’s reputation unscathed. Graciousness is shown by what you don’t say, even if what you could say would be true. Self-righteous people find it almost impossible to be gracious; they claim always to be after “the truth,” no matter the cost. Total forgiveness sometimes means overlooking what you perceive to be the truth and not letting on about anything that could damage another person.

 

If Jesus had waited until His enemies felt some guilt or shame for their words and actions, He would never have forgiven them.

It is my experience that most people we must forgive do not believe they have done anything wrong at all, or if they know that they did something wrong, they believe it was justified. I would even go so far as to say that at least 90 percent of all the people I’ve ever had to forgive would be indignant at the thought that they had done something wrong. If you gave them a lie-detector test, they would honestly say that they had done nothing wrong—and they would pass the test with flying colors.

Total forgiveness, therefore, must take place in the heart. If I have a genuine heart experience, I will not be devastated if there is no reconciliation. If those who hurt me don’t want to continue a relationship with me, it isn’t my problem, because I have forgiven them. This is also why a person can achieve inner peace even when forgiving someone who has died. The apostle John wrote, “Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God” (1 John 3:21, emphasis added). Confidence toward God is ultimately what total forgiveness is all about; He is the One I want to please at the end of the day. He cares and knows whether I have truly and totally forgiven, and when I know I have His love and approval, I am one very happy and contented servant of Christ.

 Bitterness is gone when there is no desire to get even with or punish the offender, when I do or say nothing that would hurt his reputation or future, and when I truly wish him well in all he seeks to do.

 

Total forgiveness, then, means forgiving people—totally—and also forgiving God. But it also must include the total forgiveness of ourselves.

One common complaint every church leader hears is this: “I know God forgives me, but I just can’t seem to forgive myself.” This is such an important concept that we will discuss it further later in the book. But I must say here and now: there is no lasting joy in forgiveness if it doesn’t include forgiving yourself. It is anything but total forgiveness if we forgive God and those who hurt us but we are unable to forgive ourselves. It is as wrong as not forgiving others, because God loves us just as much as He loves others; He will be just as unhappy when we don’t forgive ourselves as when we hold a grudge against others. Put simply, we matter to God. He wants our lives to be filled with joy. He not only wants us to forgive ourselves, but He also wants it urgently.

Total forgiveness brings such joy and satisfaction that I am almost tempted to call it a selfish enterprise. As we have seen, the wider research that is taking place these days has already overwhelmingly concluded that the first person to experience delight when forgiveness takes place is the one who forgives.

 R. T. Kendall, Total Forgiveness: When Everything in You Wants to Hold a Grudge, Point a Finger, and Remember the Pain - God Wants You to Lay It All aside (Lake Mary, FL: Charisma House, 2010).

WHEN AN OFFENSE FESTERS in our hearts, we cannot confine it within our souls. Instead, it spills over in ways that we don't even realize. It's like burning incense in a dormitory. The smell cannot be confined; rather it escapes the dorm room and wafts down the hallway into the washrooms, and all the way to the front door. Just so, our bitterness spills over into other relationships no matter how determined we are to keep it confined to a single room within our soul. Nursing an offense quite literally blinds us to our own faults, forces us to have skewed relationships, and warps our self-perceptions.

Meet a bitter person and you will find someone with thick walls designed to protect his or her own resentment. These walls of internalized anger and mistrust have deep foundations that support a well-insulated fortress mentality.

 An offended brother builds high walls to make certain no enemy combatant penetrates his life again. 

all information that is favorable to him is allowed entry and encouraged; information that will challenge or admonish him will be filtered out. He will spend time with friends who can be trusted to confirm his bitterness, to help justify his feelings. He will dare anyone to suggest that he bears some responsibility, even in those instances where it is obvious to others that he does. Meanwhile, those who would suggest that he was also responsible, or that he must forgive, are evicted from the premises of his mind and heart.

When you walk in darkness you are blind to your personal faults.

 Emotionally injured people are typically extremely judgmental toward others. They manage their pain by magnifying the faults of others and minimizing their own. They don't understand that the anger others have provoked in them is the same anger they are now provoking in others. Satan has used their pain to blind them to the hurt they inflict on those around them. As a result, wounded people often justify wounding others as retaliation for their injury.

 Author Steve Gallagher describes sin's hidden deception:

People are prone to overlook their deeply embedded sin because it has an extremely deceptive nature. There exists an interesting correlation between a person's involvement with sin and his awareness of it. The more a person becomes involved in sin, the less he sees it. Sin is a hideous disease that destroys a person's ability to comprehend its existence. It could be compared to a computer virus that has the ability to hide its presence from the user while it systematically destroys the hard drive. Typically, those who are the most entangled in sin are the very ones who cannot see its presence at work inside them. Sin has the ability to mask itself so well that it can actually make a person who deals with it the least, think he is the most spiritual.

the person who refuses to deal with his sin often thinks he is the most spiritual!

 Vengeance, in his mind, is identified with justice. But Frances Beacon rightly called vengeance "wild justice."

I cannot trust God to do what needs to be done, so I will do it. A vengeful person is one who is not broken before God (in the best sense of the term) but still insists on the control of his own life. 

 

ARE YOU IN BONDAGE?

Those who have been offended and nurture the offense typically exhibit one or more of the following traits. Look at these and ask whether you are in bondage to any of them:

1. Walled in by bitterness. Bitter feelings can form thick walls designed to protect our own resentment. 

2. Blind to personal faults. We may choose to see the wrongdoings of others with undimmed clarity, even as we become blind to our own glaring faults. 

3. In search of vengeance. Our wounded pride can lead to a desire for revenge. We want the offender to pay for his offenses. But if we enact vengeance, we are doing what should be God’s work alone (see Romans 12:19). 

4. Bent on destruction. In the quest for vengeance, we can become destroyers, using manipulation, threats, accusations, discord, or other tactics in an attempt to destroy the one who has offended us. 

5. Given to idolatry. We may make the offense into an idol of utmost importance. In effect, painful resentment and bitterness can replace our affection and devotion to God. 

All that matters to the hateful heart is latching onto something that confirms your hatred and affirms your pain. There is no need for facts; no need for perspective, no need for objectivity. Hate makes you vulnerable to lies you are anxious to believe.

Destroyers have many arsenals in their weaponry. Some do their damage by manipulation, others sow discord. Many love to pick fights or to destabilize others with threats or false accusations. When you speak to them they will take everything that is said and twist it a half turn. Like a blotter, they soak up everything but get it backwards.

 Erwin W. Lutzer, When You’ve Been Wronged: Moving from Bitterness to Forgiveness (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2007).